Infidelity and Affairs in Littleton, Colorado
Have you recently discovered an affair and don't know what to do? Does it feel like your entire world's foundation has been shaken to the point you don't know which way is up or which way is down? Are you having 1000 thoughts a second followed by 1000 questions the next second? Does it feel like you're riding a roller coaster of emotions and don't know how to make it stop?
If relationships are very misunderstood, then affairs might be the most misunderstood part within relationships. Affairs are probably the most painful event and biggest hurt that can occur in a relationship. They inflict a serious wound in the betrayed partner and into the relationship itself. The majority of time, we never see it coming. Whether someone considers something an affair or not, cheating or not, or any other word honestly is irrelevant. What matters is the sense of betrayal these moments give to the partner who experiences it. These moments really, really suck (understatement of the year, I know) but they do not have to signal the end of your relationship.
Getting past an affair can be difficult and tricky. Part of the reason is that the person who we want to be the source of our safety also becomes the source of our pain. It's the reason why the betrayed partner wants to hug the offending partner one second, stab them the next second, and then hug them while stabbing them the next. It can become a very volatile and confusing time for both partners.
Another reason affairs can be difficult to get past is because often people will do the exact opposite of what they need to do. People will try to “start fresh”, leave the past in the past, not talk about what happened or talk about it only once, keep looking forward, give each other space, focus on the positive, etc. Now don't get me wrong, people have good reasons for trying those things but ultimately, they ensure the affair lingers in their relationship long after it happened.
So how do couples get past an affair? First, let's talk about what “getting past” looks like. The goal must be to heal NOT forget what happened. There is no forgetting. You want for the betrayed partner (and the offending partner in a different way), at some point in the future, to be able to think about the affair and everything surrounding it in a detached way as a “bad” thing we went through, but it no longer affects me or us. Getting to that point is what allows the relationship to continue without the storm cloud of the affair hanging over the two of you for weeks, months, or even years into the future. Trying to forget or leave the past in the past will not give you this.
In my experience, there are 3 things that must be done in order for a couple to get past an affair. There is some overlap in all 3. And they require both partners.
- Healing the wound
- Fear of it happening right now
- Fear of it happening again
These moments really, really suck — but they do not have to signal the end of your relationship.
Healing the wound
The biggest factor that aids in healing is how much the betrayed partner feels like the offending partner is “there for them”. The betrayed partner needs to feel like the offending partner understands, or at least tries to understand, the pain of what they are going through. That sometimes means the offending partner initiates questions about how the betrayed partner is doing, sometimes it means sitting with the betrayed partner holding them while they cry if that's what they need or just sitting near them if that's what they need instead. Sometimes it means the offending partner sitting there and listening to the betrayed partner describe their pain.
Just know that some days will be better than others. The betrayed partner might be having a “good” day and then see a billboard that afternoon that reminds them of the affair and brings their mood down. They may have 3 “good” days in a row and then they wake up the next morning in a bad mood. These things are going to happen and are all part of the process. Healing will look like this: Those moments start to happen less frequently, less intensely and last less when they do happen, over time. Then one day they realize they haven't thought about the affair in a few days and it happened naturally. And those gaps will continue to get bigger. How long does all of this take? As long as it has to. No one has a hard time “letting go” because they want to stay that way. They stay that way because the healing has simply not taken place.
One other thing to please keep in mind. None of this is about punishing the offending partner. Earlier, when I said “describe their pain”, I'm literally talking about the initial pain/hurt itself NOT anger. These are not the same thing. Anger in these circumstances, no matter how justifiable, is destructive to the relationship. Having the offending partner serve as a punching bag does neither of you any good and helps your relationship a grand total of zero.
The biggest factor that aids in healing is how much the betrayed partner feels like the offending partner is there for them.
Fear of it happening right now
I may be stating the obvious here but contact for the offending partner with the affair partner must end immediately. Completely. There cannot be a random text here or there. Let's say the offending partner agrees and cuts everything off willingly. Does that mean the betrayed partner will believe them 100%? Absolutely not. Because human beings are wired to avoid pain, and this being one of the most painful things anyone will experience, no matter how much the betrayed partner wants to believe and trust, they simply can't. This is why the betrayed partner needs open access to cell phones, social media, emails, or basically anything and everything that could be used as a means of contact between the offending partner and affair partner. And when I say open access, I mean full continuous transparency, not delayed access. Should it be this way? I don't know, but I do know what happens if it's not this way and if you're in this situation, you're not going to like it. The betrayed partner does not need honesty here. They need transparency.
So what will this look like? Let's say today the betrayed partner needs to check the phone 24x today (or whatever random number). If every time they look, they find nothing (or anything that's found has a legitimate explanation that does not involve the affair partner), that level of fear goes down a little bit. Which means that a week from now, they may only check 23 times. Two weeks from now may be only 21 times, and so on. Then one day in the future they get to the point where they haven't thought about it and no longer feel like checking. That is what it will look like. The more the offending partner does this willingly and even offers for the betrayed partner to go through their things, the faster this process goes. How long does all of this take? As long as it has to.
The betrayed partner does not need honesty here. They need transparency.
Fear of it happening again
Right after the initial pain of discovering the affair, the betrayed partner will immediately be filled with 1000 thoughts a second followed by 1000 questions a second. If you've gone through this, you know what I'm talking about, and the good news is that you're not going crazy (it only feels that way). The reason for this, as best I can tell, is that because of our need to avoid pain and this being as painful as it is and because betrayed partners so often don't see this coming, they are left to wonder “what did I miss?”. They have a million questions because deep down all they know is “I cannot go through this again”.
Betrayed partners need to know the full, entire story with all the details. They will ask the same question in 16 different ways. They will ask random questions about details that often times they are not even sure why it matters, but it just does. It's not that they don't want to believe the offending partner; it's just a need for self-protection that drives it. Offending partners need to answer thoroughly and completely with the full truth. If betrayed partners ask the same question 16 times, then the offending partner must answer it 16 times. And it needs to be the same consistent, full answer each time. One common mistake I see repeatedly is, in an effort to protect the betrayed partner, the offending partner will omit something in an answer because the answer would be painful for the betrayed partner to hear. Please don't do that. The betrayed partner needs to hear it. And if the betrayed partner discovers you purposefully hid something, no matter how good a reason the offending partner had to do so, it's going to create a setback in the process that will feel like you're starting over (even though you aren't). You cannot leave out details in one answer and then include those details the next time you answer the same question with the excuse of “I forgot”. That will just create delays and time to the whole process. “I don't know” is not a good enough answer.
The betrayed partner will be retelling the story to themselves over and over and over. Every time an answer “fits” the story and makes sense, it makes the fear go down little by little. They need the story to be airtight. Even if they get 95% of the story, they will be forced to assume the worst (and it's usually worse than the truth) for that 5%, making things more difficult. If things are happening the way they need to, today they'll ask a question 20 times and then a week from now they are asking a different question 18 times, the following week it will be 17 times and so on. Then one day, they will feel like they have the full story and don't have that need to ask. Again, the more willing and open the offending partner is to do this and the more they initiate the questions/topic, the faster this goes. How long does all of this take? As long as it has to.
For the betrayed partner, again anger is not your friend in this situation. This is not a free license to say and ask things in whatever manner you want. Asking questions like “who do you think you are?” or “I guess you really are a piece of s***, aren't you?” and saying things that are meant to hurt, no matter how justifiable, will only do harm to you or your relationship.
I know this is all a lot to take in. But I will tell you, affairs do not have to end a relationship. When couples are willing to follow the right process, repair and rebuilding are absolutely likely, even when it feels impossible at first. If you are going through this currently (or have in the past), I hope a lot of this resonates with you and is of help. If you are struggling after an affair, please come see me. I will help you get on the path to healing and get you the answers you both are looking for.
Recovering from an affair is one of the most intensive forms of couples counseling there is. If only one of you is ready to come in, that's okay too — individual relationship counseling is a legitimate place to start.
Affairs do not have to end a relationship. When couples are willing to follow the right process, repair and rebuilding are absolutely likely.
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