Why choose Find Your Relationship?
Before I answer that, let me ask (and answer this): What is a relationship?
I define a relationship as this: when you have a significant other. Someone that holds a place inside of you that no one else has access to. Someone that can reach you in a place that no one else can. The place I call the "table-for-one" because it is reserved for that one person. It's the reason why no one can make you feel better AND no one can make you feel worse. It's the reason why you are always going to be more sensitive to everything that person does and says. It's just the way it is.
What's interesting to me is that everyone, across race, across gender, across culture, across age (except little ones) knows this spot I'm talking about. What this tells me is that "table-for-one" spot is pretty universal across human beings. And if it's universal for all of us, that means it must serve a function. Why else would everyone know and understand this place I just referenced if it didn't serve some kind of purpose?
I believe I know the purpose.
See I believe we have this spot because, while living in a world where our brain will tell us that everything around is potentially dangerous, once we have this person, we want to be able to say "at least I know it is safe with you. I can go to you with any fear, no matter how small it may be, and you'll reassure me and I'll do the same for you. I can go to you with any hurt or pain, no matter how small it may be, and you'll understand and comfort me and I'll do the same for you." It is then and only then that we can really know the other person is truly with us. And when we have that, we know we can turn our back to that person because we know they got it and we can look out into the world and say, "alright world, give me your best shot cause we got this".
When we are at the finish line at life's end 20, 30, 40, 50 years from now, we want to be able to say that "life was hard, life was a struggle, but we got through it together. It felt like we could lean on each other the whole way and it was the best decision that we ever made AND I would do it again with you."
This is the purpose.
This to me is what this is all about.
This is the reason why we actually fall in love.
Not bad right? If you find yourself moved by this and find yourself agreeing with what you just read wholeheartedly, know that you are not alone.
But if this is basically what everyone wants and is the purpose for the "table-for-one", then why do the vast majority of people not have it or end up getting it?
Well, conventional wisdom tells us relationships are built on honesty, trust, respect, loyalty, open communication, intimacy, talking about feelings, and being healthy. I will tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, that it is none of those. In fact, I will tell you that if you follow conventional relationship wisdom, your relationship will struggle long-term.
So, what does work? I'm glad you asked because I got the answer.
The answer is emotional safety. That's the secret sauce for getting that moment at the finish line. Therefore, ALL relationship issues are a result and caused by the lack of safety.
The one relationship rule I give, the one that works over the long haul and gets you to the finish line is this:
You must create and protect the emotional safety of the other person (your partner) and the emotional environment of your relationship.
That's it. Now let me break it down on why I say it that way.
I use the words "create and protect" because it has to be intentional in how you go about it. If it's snowing outside, I can't just sit there and hope a snowman gets built out of it, can I? I have to intentionally pack the snow and put it together. And I can't "kind of" create a snowman. I'm either doing it or it's not happening. Safety in a relationship does not happen on accident, it does not happen because we love each other, and it does not happen because it "should". Safety in a relationship must be done intentionally.
But what does happen is that each person in a relationship will, naturally and without trying, make things less safe for their partner. If safety is not being built intentionally then it is naturally eroding. "Drifting apart", escalated conflict and things worsening over time are direct results.
I use the word "safety" because it is not a light switch you can simply turn on and "poof", it's safe. Nobody can be convinced it's safe. No one can be told it's safe. It must be experienced.
If I have a turtle sitting by me, I can tell it until I'm blue in the face that I'm the safest person around, that it could 100% trust me, and I can have the best facts, evidence, presentation and I would be 100% right and it would be 100% true and it will matter zero to that turtle. The only thing that matters to that turtle is if it feels safe enough to come out, and that's it. And when it does, it's not going to pop its head out all the way right away. It will come out a little at a time, little by little. And human beings are the exact same way.
I use the word "environment" because every relationship has context. There is nothing in anybody's life, either individually or in a relationship, that happens in isolation. No event happens by itself.
To illustrate, pretend for a second you go running at a park every day. You've been there hundreds of times, you know the trail backwards and forwards, you could run it blindfolded, you've done it so many times and nothing has ever happened there to anyone. One day you are running and something pops out of the corner of your eye, what do you do? You may glance without a second thought, see a squirrel and keep going. Now pretend you are at a different park at night; one you've never been to before and someone has just been robbed there the night before. Same thing, you are running and then something pops out of the corner of your eye, what do you do? You're either going to turn with your fists ready to defend, or flinch and get ready to run in the opposite direction or something along those lines.
Both of those reactions are the exact same. The difference is in the parks. The environment. The first park is predictable; it's shown you over time that you can let your guard down. The thing that gets you about the second park is not that it's dangerous. It's that you don't know that it's not. Even though it's a squirrel that pops out, in that moment you can't give it the benefit of the doubt because if you do, and you're wrong and it's Sabre tooth tiger, you're dead. We avoid pain first, it's what we do.
So going back to your relationship, if you were to put it on a 1-10 scale in terms of "how safe is it between us" in the environment, 1 being completely not safe and 10 being completely safe, you can take the exact same moment or conversation, I don't care what it is, and it will look and feel very different if we're at an 8 or if we're at a 2. Only because of the relationship environment itself. For some couples, things become so "unsafe" that they can't ask each other to pass the salt without World War 3 breaking out. Every word becomes threatening, everything that can be taken the wrong way will be taken the wrong way, the jokes that used to be funny aren't so funny anymore, the things that made them smile don't make them smile anymore. At that point you've figured out 100 different ways to make them unhappy but only about 3 that seems to make a positive difference. You find yourself having a small conversation about nothing and then it blows up and when you ask yourselves "what are we even fighting about" you don't know. And it begins to happen more often, again and again. It starts to look like the 4th of July with the number of fireworks that keep going off. This is 100% due to lack of safety in the environment.
Relationships therefore do not end because of lack of love.
Relationships end because of lack of safety. At some point the pain of being in the relationship becomes worse than the pain of not being in the relationship.
That's why in lasting relationships, each partner must take responsibility for the emotional environment they create for the other.
So going back to the original question, why choose Find Your Relationship? While all relationships across the human race function in the same way, safety in any given relationship is relative to the two people in that relationship. I don't just work with an understanding of relationship therapy but also with an understanding of relationships at their very core. I work through helping you understand the underneath dynamics that end up impacting your relationship. What works for safety for you and your partner will not be what works for someone else and vice versa. You must find safety specifically for your relationship and that is what I will help you do.
In-person couples therapy in Littleton, Colorado, serving Highlands Ranch, Ken Caryl, Roxborough Park, Centennial, Lone Tree, Parker, and South Denver.
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