My Partner Won't Go to Couples Therapy. Now What?

You've reached the point where you know something needs to change. You feel like you might be the only one that really sees the problems and feel like you are the only one trying to do anything about it. You've tried bringing things up in different ways but it doesn't seem to make a difference. You've done the research, maybe you've even found a couples therapist you feel good about, and you're ready to make it happen.

But you can't make it happen by yourself. If that's where you are, you're not alone.

If your partner refuses couples therapy, you're not as stuck as you think. One partner wants couples therapy while the other doesn't is one of the most common situations I hear about. And it's often really painful, because the person reaching out usually feels like they've been the one forced to carry the full weight of the relationship's struggle while also being told, implicitly or explicitly, that they're on their own with it.

So what do you actually do?

First, understand why they won't go

Before you can figure out how to move forward, it helps to understand what's actually driving the objection. In my experience, it almost never comes down to not caring about the relationship. The most common reasons I see are:

• Fear of being ganged up on. Chances are good they've already heard a lot about how they're the problem and how they need to change. Now their partner wants to take them to see someone who is also going to tell them they're the problem, and they have to pay for it? No thank you.

• Fear that the relationship might already be over. There's a prevalent idea out there that if your marriage needs therapy, it's already over. Oftentimes a spouse won't go to marriage counseling because the thought of going creates crisis sirens going off in their head. What if the therapist tells you both that you're better off apart? What if you end up believing that? What if agreeing to go means agreeing that the relationship might not make it? That's a risk that feels too big to take.

• Not believing it will actually help. They may also genuinely believe that what's happening between the two of you is something you should be able to work out on your own, or that talking to a stranger isn't going to change anything. And even beyond that, chances are good they've had a friend who told them marriage counseling made things worse for them, or your partner has experienced it themselves in a previous marriage.

All of those fears are understandable, because unfortunately those things do happen out there with some therapists, even if that's not how good couples therapy actually works.

Understanding which of these is driving your partner's refusal doesn't mean you have to accept it indefinitely. But it gives you something real to work with instead of just pushing harder against a wall.

What tends to make things worse

• Bringing it up in the middle of or right after a fight. When the emotional temperature is already high, a suggestion to go to therapy reads as an attack, not an invitation. It becomes part of the fight rather than a conversation about something that will benefit the both of you.

• Framing it as something they need. "You need to talk to someone" lands very differently than "I think we need help." The first puts the problem on them. The second makes it shared. But make sure to also frame it as something that will help the both of you and not something where the potential end of the relationship is on the table. It may feel obvious to you, but they need to hear that you have no interest in the relationship ending regardless of what happens in your sessions.

• Issuing ultimatums. Let me be clear about this one: threatening to end the relationship if they don't agree to come will likely work in getting them through the door. No matter how painful the idea of going to couples therapy is, the idea of losing you is more painful. But this is not the route I recommend. Even if it gets them in the door, the feeling of coercion takes time to overcome.

• Bringing it up repeatedly and expecting a different result. Think of it this way. Imagine there's a dog nearby that's new to you, and you want it to go into a kennel. You put a nice piece of meat at the back of the kennel to entice it. If you give that dog enough time and space, it will go in on its own, once it's determined it's safe enough, because ultimately it wants that meat. But if you try to force it in there, no matter how much it wants the meat, it's always going to push back. Now, I'm not calling your partner a dog, but they will react the same way. Bringing things up once or twice is fine, but if you keep trying to force it, they will push back no matter how much they want the relationship to thrive. Give them enough time and space, and they'll eventually become more open to the idea. It may not happen as quickly as you'd like, but it would happen.

What actually tends to work

Pick a calm, non-threatening moment, not a moment of conflict, and make it about both of you rather than about them. Something like: "I want us to be in a better place. I think talking to someone together could help us get there. What would it take to get you to be willing to try it?"

Ask what their hesitation is and actually listen to the answer. You will probably find that there are specific concerns underneath their pushback that are addressable. If they're afraid of being blamed or of the relationship being declared over, address that directly and honestly. A lot of the objection softens when someone finally feels like their fears have actually been heard rather than dismissed.

Some partners are more willing to try a single consultation than to commit to ongoing couples counseling. Framing it as one conversation with no pressure to continue can lower the barrier enough to get them in the door (think dog). And once someone has actually experienced what couples therapy feels like with someone that's not going to make their fears become true, the fear of it usually drops significantly.

What if they still won't come?

Can couples therapy work if only one person wants to go? More than most people expect. You coming in alone can still make all the difference in your relationship.

I know what you might be thinking right now. Why am I the one who has to do more work? I'm already the one carrying all of this. And that's a fair thought. But coming in alone isn't about carrying more. It's not about you continuing to do what you've been doing and taking on the entire weight of the relationship. It's about understanding how relationships actually work and using the influence you already have, in ways you probably aren't using right now, to shift things in a direction that gets you both what you want.

One person, if they understand what to do and why, can make all the difference in how their relationship functions. Relationships are systems. When one person starts responding differently, the other person almost always starts responding differently too.

And here's something I've seen happen more times than I can count: your partner will absolutely be curious about your sessions. They'll ask what was said, I promise. And when they start to see positive changes in how you act and react toward them, they'll begin to feel safe enough to join in. In the end, even if it doesn't always appear that way on the surface, they want to make you happy and have a relationship that thrives long term.

Coming in alone also gives you clarity. About where your relationship currently is. About your own role in where things stand. And about what specifically needs to change and what you're willing to try or keep trying.

You'd be amazed at how much of a difference one person wanting things to be better and knowing how to do it can actually make.

If you're in the Littleton area and you're ready

If you've been searching for a couples therapist near me in the Littleton area, you're in the right place. I work with couples and individuals navigating relationship issues from my office in Littleton, serving the south Denver metro area including Highlands Ranch, Centennial, Greenwood Village, Cherry Hills Village, Englewood and Ken Caryl. Whether your partner is ready to come in or you're starting on your own, reach out. One person wanting things to be better is more than enough to start.

As always, I got you.