Discernment Counseling in Littleton, CO: One of You Wants Out. The Other Wants to Try. Now What?
Sometimes the lack of safety in a relationship takes place so subtly and over such a long period of time that neither person notices it, and often times it will just be seen as “the way things are.” That is until you get to a breaking point, usually in the form of one partner wanting to end things while the other wanting to work things out.
The “leaning out” partner finds themselves saying things like:
- “I love them, but I'm not in love with them anymore.”
- “I feel guilty that I feel trapped. But I don't want to string them along if I'm halfway out the door.”
- “I feel like I've already checked out emotionally, and trying to fix it feels exhausting and pointless.”
- “We've tried marriage counseling before and it didn't work. I don't want to go back just to rehash old fights.”
- “Yeah, they're doing the things I've asked for in the past but it's too late. The switch flipped for me a long time ago, and I don't feel anything anymore.”
The “leaning in” partner finds themselves saying the opposite sort of things like:
- “They want a divorce now, but I just want them to give us one more chance.”
- “We have kids, and I feel like my partner is throwing away our entire life without even trying to fix it.”
- “There is a wall up between us, and I can't reach them anymore. They won't even look at me.”
- “I'll do whatever it takes to change, but they won't give me the opportunity.”
In standard couples counseling, both partners need to be invested in making the relationship work. When a couple finds themselves diverging or unsure of what they want, regular couples therapy won't be beneficial at all and that's where discernment counseling comes in.
You don't have to decide the future of your marriage today. You just have to decide on the next step.
What is discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling is a short term (1-5 sessions) process designed to help couples decide what the best path forward is, regardless of what it looks like. The goal is not to fix anything, but to help get you out of ambivalence and help you gain clarity and confidence of what your next steps should be.
The possible paths generally fall into 3 different categories:
- Path 1: Keep things exactly as they are (and what that looks like).
- Path 2: Move toward separation or divorce (and what that looks like).
- Path 3: Commit to a 6-month effort in couples therapy (with divorce off the table for that period) to see if you can rebuild emotional safety and connection.
There is no right or wrong answer here (sorry to the “leaning in” partner because I know that's not what you want to read right now), there's only the answer that is best for the two of you. The most important thing in all of this is that there is an answer at some point because being stuck in a state of ambivalence is a tough place to be and ends up helping no one.
The goal is not to fix anything, but to help get you out of ambivalence and help you gain clarity and confidence of what your next steps should be.
What to expect in our sessions
I don't come in with any agenda about what should happen. There's absolutely no pressure of any kind to steer you towards any decision. You will not feel forced into making a decision you are not comfortable with. The focus here is clarity, not repair.
There are going to be sessions where I speak to the two of you together, and there will be sessions where I speak to each of you separately. Ultimately I'm trying to help the “leaning out” partner get to a place of making a decision while trying to help the “leaning in” partner with the stress and anxiety of the entire situation.
Just to get you started, one of the first things I'll ask the “leaning out” partner is this: If you could have this relationship exactly the way you always wanted, and have your partner be exactly the kind of partner you always wanted them to be, would you still want it? The answer here will be telling.
If you find yourself considering divorce, are at a place where you feel it's a last resort or feel like it may be “too little, too late,” come see me. You don't have to decide the future of your marriage today. You just have to decide on the next step.
I've been doing this for some time now and have helped many couples through many different relationship issues.
You can schedule with me or reach out and see how I might be of service to you.
I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them get the answers they're looking for.
The focus here is clarity, not repair.
FAQs
Frequently Asked Questions
Prefer to talk? Call or text (832) 303-0541.
In-person couples therapy in Littleton, Colorado, serving Highlands Ranch, Centennial, Greenwood Village, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl, Englewood, and South Denver.
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