How Do I Know If My Relationship Is Worth Saving?

There's a moment in a struggling marriage or relationship where the questions shift.

They stop being about what went wrong and start being about whether any of it can be fixed. You find yourself pacing the floor, asking: how do I know if my relationship is worth saving? Whether it's even worth trying. You start hearing yourself think things like: maybe we're not meant to be. It shouldn't be this hard. Why can't we figure this out? Are we toxic? Maybe we're better apart than together.

How to Build Emotional Safety in a Relationship: The Complete Framework

If you've been trying to ice skate uphill for a long time in a relationship, it's hard not to come to these conclusions, even when you know you both love each other. If you've spent any time with me or have read things I've written, you've probably heard me say that relationships do not end because of a lack of love. They end because of a lack of safety. Emotional safety is the name of the game.

The Weight Loss Analogy: Rebuilding Relational Safety Over Time

I often compare safety in relationships to weight gain and weight loss. If you're not mindful of what you're consuming and aren't making a decent effort in terms of exercise, chances are pretty good you'll end up gaining weight, slowly but surely. Just as if you make it a point to eat well and exercise day by day, chances are good you'll either maintain a healthy body weight or lose some weight, slowly but surely.

But if you're trying to lose weight, you're not going to notice the changes on a day-to-day basis. If you step on the scale every day, chances are very good you won't notice any changes, and there will even be days when you'll gain a pound randomly. However, if you take a long enough window of time, say six months, and assuming you've been diligent and consistent about eating well and exercising, if you step on the scale today and compare it to what the weight was six months ago, that's when you'll notice the real progress.

Safety in a relationship is something that is either intentionally being built gradually or is being unintentionally eroded, slowly but surely. Either way, it's a process that takes time. I often think of it as the "eat well and exercise" of relationships. If you make it a point to live by that principle, over time, you'll see the results.

Can a High-Conflict Relationship Actually Be Fixed?

99.9% of the time, when a couple comes into my office due to having issues, I already know the couple is dealing with a big lack of safety between them, and they're wanting to figure out how to fix things or if they're even fixable. To keep going with the weight loss comparison, they are a person weighing 300 pounds that wants to get to 180 pounds. The "eat well and exercise" path in both cases is clear. If they stick with it and give it enough time, they will absolutely get there. It's just not going to be something that will happen overnight.

If that person steps on the scale every day they won't notice a difference, but if they step on the scale six months from now and weigh 270, that's a significant difference. Now is it where they want to be? No, but there's clear evidence they're on the right path.

For relationships, it's exactly the same. If you're implementing safety as a firm rule and philosophy to follow, chances are very good you're not going to notice changes on a day-to-day basis. But if you compare six months from now to today, assuming you've been following it to the degree necessary, you'll notice changes. Fights don't escalate as fast, there's less tension in the home environment, you're able to talk about a few more things without it turning into conflict, there's just a little more openness between the two of you. Now is it where you ultimately want to be? Unlikely, but there will be clear evidence that you're on the right track.

When I speak about what the point of relationships is, I believe part of that point is that when we get to life's finish line with the other person, we want to say that life was hard, life was a struggle, but we got through it together. It felt like we could lean on each other the whole way and it was the best decision we ever made.

When it comes to deciding to do this kind of work, knowing you're not going to see overnight results, knowing this is a slow and steady process, but committing to it anyway, is it worth that effort? The choice becomes: bottom line, is this the person I want with me at that moment at the finish line? If it is, then you know the answer, but just realize it's not going to be easy. But if it's not, then you also know your answer. Only each person in a relationship can decide that. But, regardless of the choice, the path is absolutely clear.

Would it be easier to just end the relationship and start over with someone else? Yes, there's no question it would be. But ask any parent with kids: easier does not always mean better.

Signs a Marriage or Relationship is Over: Identifying the Point of No Return

I know this question is already sitting in the back of your mind. You're thinking: OK, that all makes sense, but what if we're genuinely past the point of no return?

I truly believe just about every relationship is salvageable, assuming both people are still "in it" together. As in they are still each other's table for one. At that point, going back to the weight analogy, whether someone walks in weighing 300, 325, 350, 400, 500 or whatever, the strategy, work and path are still the same. The difference is simply the starting point and the length of time it will take to get there.

The only time I find that a relationship is truly over is when I ask a partner: "If you could have this relationship in exactly the way you've always wanted it, and have it be exactly what you imagined, would you still want it?" And if they answer, "I don't care if you offer me the perfect relationship with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I don't want it," then I know the table for one spot has died inside that person and it's over.

But if that's not where you are? Then you already have your answer too.

I work with couples to help them get the answers they need. I've been doing this for some time now and have helped many couples through many different relationship issues.

You can schedule with me or reach out and see how I might be of service to you.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

Just know that, as always, I got you.