Why Doesn't My Partner Trust Me Even Though I've Done Nothing Wrong?

When most people talk about what matters most in a relationship, the list tends to look something like this: honesty, trust, loyalty, respect, and communication. Communication in particular gets treated as the answer to almost everything. Clearly communicate your needs. Communicate your boundaries.

But if you are constantly left wondering why your partner doesn't trust you even though you've done nothing wrong, there is a completely different "C" word you need to examine instead. One that matters way more in a relationship. And that word is context.

Context, for the purposes of this article, is the history of experiences, both good and bad, that a person carries with them into every moment of their life. It's the invisible force shaping why people do what they do, react the way they react, and feel what they feel, often without fully understanding it themselves. For better or worse, every person brings their entire past into every relationship they enter.

Every person has pain in their history. A lot of these start looking like "red flags." And that's not me saying you can't heal things from the past. It's me saying that you cannot remove the pain experience from those moments. There's a difference and it's unavoidable.

The Gas Stove Metaphor: Understanding Relational Trauma Response

Pretend for a second that you burned your hand badly on a gas stove as it was coming on. You didn't realize your hand was on the burner, and the burn ended up being pretty bad. You can put medicine and bandages on the burn, making sure you are taking care of it day by day, until one day it becomes a scar that you can touch and it doesn't hurt anymore. But what happens if, say 5 years later, you're around a completely different gas stove, one that's never done anything to you and all of a sudden, without even being very close to the gas stove, you hear the "clicking" sound as it's about to turn on? You're going to pull your hand back so hard that you'll hit yourself in the face.

No amount of healing can take away that experience or that reaction. Will it matter if the new gas stove says, "hey, I've never done anything to you. You need to leave the past in the past, and you should trust me."? Absolutely not, and we all know it. What we want in that scenario is for that new gas stove to make it so safe for us that, in time, we can hear the clicking sound and not pull back because it's safe enough for us to trust we're not going to get burned again. And this whole thing would only be applicable to this one stove. The moment you're next to a completely different stove, the whole thing starts again.

Feeling understood is the second pillar of the Emotional Safety Framework, and the Deep Validation & The Receipt pillar explains why trust depends on it

All people have context to which they've lived through. In a relationship, that specific context applies to both people at the same time. You know you have good reasons for doing what you do or feeling the way you feel and so does your partner. If you're not taking into account your partner's context, especially the painful moments, you are going to end up creating situations you don't like, no matter how well intentioned your actions or words may be.

The Danger of Internet Advice on Relationship Boundaries

Let's go through a scenario.

Imagine you're in a relationship and your partner strongly suggests you both turn on the location trackers on your phones while also suggesting that you should know each other's phone passwords so that you can each go through each other's phone at any point. Should this be OK? Many people will have many opinions on this. But the answer can never be a blanket, yes or no. The answer always needs to be "it depends" because context must matter.

But for now, getting back to the scenario, since you don't have any painful prior experience with your partner's requests, and since they seem reasonable enough, you agree. Overtime though, it started to feel like your partner was constantly checking on you and was constantly searching your phone, so much so that it feels a little excessive, especially since you've never given them reason to doubt you. So, what to do?

Many people end up either asking friends and/or asking the internet "is what my partner doing OK?" or something along those lines. And the answers will vary from "yes, if you have nothing to hide then why would it bother you?" all the way to "no, this is an invasion of privacy and is incredibly controlling. You need to clearly explain that relationships are built on trust, and the relationship can't work if you don't trust each other." All of these sound good in theory but each of those answers always fail to take into account context.

Now, let's give the partner some context. Let's say that your partner has had 4 serious partners in their life and was married to one of them (and later divorced). Let's then say that 3 of the 4 partners, including the ex-spouse, had an affair that they discovered. All 3 affairs had variations of the same kind of story. They all had been text messaging with their affair partners for some time. They all would have to randomly spend time away from the home for various reasons. They all would end up in different places that they said they were going to, and the stories would never add up. Each time, all of these would happen until the moment your partner discovered each affair. Twice they caught their partner's secret text messages revealing their affairs and once (the marriage), they had secretly turned on their spouse's location tracker and caught their spouse in the act.

How to Respond to an Insecure Partner's Context

Taking that into account, it puts your partner's behaviors in a different light, doesn't it? Let's go back to asking the internet for advice and let's say that enough people are giving you enough variations of the "no" answer that you decide to try it. You communicated exactly in the way everyone was advising. You sit your partner down and very clearly articulate the boundary you're trying to set, just as everyone advised you to do. You were thorough, calm and spelled it out for them crystal clear. Will this end up changing anything? Absolutely not. I hope by now it seems obvious, but how could it? Anyone that has been in this position and has tried this knows it. It will never work because your partner's context was never taken into account.

Now comes the crux of the matter. Let's say you do think their behaviors are a bit much, and you are wanting it to change. What do you do or say? First, it's super important to realize/recognize that there will be absolutely nothing, outside of ending the relationship on the spot, that you can do or say that will immediately change those behaviors. There's nothing that new gas stove can do or say that will immediately allow you to trust it after you've been burned before.

The Counterintuitive Path to Rebuilding Trust Over Time

None of this has anything to do with compatibility. Paradoxically and counterintuitively, the answer to getting those behaviors to change in time, is to "lean" into them and try to do them more. In other words, you need to act and talk like you're embracing those behaviors, not put off by them. Go out of your way to hand your phone over to your partner for them to check it. Leave your phone out where they can find it easily at all times. Always leave it with the screen facing up. Ask them directly, "hey I was just wondering if you recently had a chance to look at my phone or not. I'll bring it over here if you'd like." Or if they are looking through it, tell them, "Take your time and no rush. I want to make sure you get what you need." Go out of your way to always make sure your location is on and even ask your partner, "hey, can you do me a favor real quick. Can you check to make sure you can see my location on your phone? I'm just wanting to make sure it's working."

I told you it would feel counterintuitive. You may be wondering how and why this works. Keep in mind that your partner does not want to check your phone or your location. It gives them no joy in doing that. Their behavior is not driven by some kind of deep desire or happiness. Because your partner's behaviors are fear driven due to their history, aka, context, the more you do and say what I described above, the more your partner gets the message from you, "I get why you're doing what you're doing, because of what you've been through, and I don't think it's strange at all" without you ever saying it.

It has your partner's pain feel seen and understood and that is the very thing that allows trust to actually form with time. No amount of "I've never done anything to you. You should just trust me" will do this. No one can ever be convinced enough to feel safe. Again, this wouldn't happen overnight, but the more you take on that approach consistently and repeatedly, I can very much assure you that, in time, those behaviors would go away and permanently. In a way that has both of you feeling good about yourselves and each other, rather than one person winning and one person losing.

But none of this happens if the context of the situation is not being taken into account. That's true in this scenario. It's true in every scenario. Your partner is never doing what they're doing without a reason. Finding that reason, and letting it be a guide for you, is what gets real change and real harmony to happen.

Couples counseling for many people ends up being a big help here. I've worked with and have helped many couples navigate these circumstances.

If you're interested in working with me, you can reach out or schedule directly on my calendar.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

I've got you.