Why Setting Boundaries Doesn't Work in a Relationship

Lasting change in a partner's behavior starts with them feeling understood, which is the work of Deep Validation & The Receipt, the understanding pillar of the Emotional Safety Framework.

One of the most popular pieces of relationship advice right now is "you need to set boundaries." We have taken an individual therapy concept and applied it to couples. I think this is a really bad idea, and one that sets people up for entirely predictable problems. If you are noticing more distance than closeness lately, it is time to look at why setting boundaries doesn't work in a relationship over the long haul.

The Core Purpose of Falling in Love vs. Setting Boundaries

First, consider this question: why do people fall in love in the first place? What is the fundamental point of it all?

In my view, it's because we want a partner where we can say: at least I know it's safe with you. I can come to you with any fear, and you'll reassure me and I'll do the same for you. I can come to you with any hurt or pain and you'll comfort me and I'll do the same for you. It's then, and only then, that we really know the other person is in it with us. When we have that, we know we can turn our back to that person, look out at the world, and say: alright, give us your best shot because we've got this.

And when we're at life's end, fifty years together, we want to be able to say: life was hard. Life was a struggle. But we got through it together. It felt like we could lean on each other the whole way, and it was the best decision we ever made. I'd do it again, with you.

That, to me, is the whole point of why we fall in love.

And if I'm right about that, then I know with certainty that no couple will ever get there by setting boundaries. Nobody is going to look back after fifty years and say "when you set that boundary on me 25 years ago, that's when I knew we were going to make it." There is no closeness possible through boundaries. By definition, boundaries are designed to keep distance and to create a gap. That's what they do.

How Boundary Setting Triggers Keeping Score in Marriage and Relationships

So why do people set them in the first place?

In simple terms: they see a behavior they don't like and want it stopped or changed. But what happens when the other partner doesn't see a problem with that behavior? Someone is going to end up sacrificing and losing. What happens when that partner, after they've given in, later sets a boundary of their own, one the first partner doesn't agree with? I gave something up for you. Now it's your turn. Keeping score becomes inevitable, and it turns into a race to the bottom to see who's given up the most. That dynamic is unsustainable for fifty years, let alone five.

What's Actually Happening Beneath the Surface of a Boundary

Here's what's actually going on beneath the surface.

The vast majority of the time, when someone has a problem with a behavior their partner "just doesn't get," there is emotional pain underneath that bother. Real pain from a specific moment, a specific experience, something that hit in a way the other partner has never been able to see. And what that person actually wants isn't a boundary. What they want is for their partner to understand. To get it. To change the behavior on their own because they feel understood, not because they've been told to.

Moving From Protection to Deep Validation and Understanding

Boundary setting makes that impossible. The only thing that actually creates understanding is for the partner carrying that pain to sit with it. To find the moment where it lives and describe what it was like to be them in that moment. That's what allows the other partner to truly get it. That's the only thing that allows the other partner to truly get it. That's what pulls their partner toward them instead of pushing them away. That's what motivates real change, the kind that doesn't leave either person feeling like they lost something.

That process is hard. It takes practice. It requires a level of vulnerability most people have never been taught to access. But it's the only kind of change that comes with a good receipt.

Boundary setting in a relationship does none of that. What it does instead is place partners at odds with one another, create a winner and a loser, and build resentments that compound quietly over time.

Partners end up protected from each other instead of protected with each other.

I've spent many years helping couples find understanding and connection with each other.

If you want help navigating these moments, you can schedule with me or reach out directly.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

I've got you.