Why Doesn't My Partner Already Know How I Feel?

Expecting your partner to simply know is one of the most common understanding gaps, and it's the heart of Deep Validation & The Receipt, the understanding pillar of the Emotional Safety Framework.

Think about how often people say or think things like, "Of course they know how I feel about them, I'm still here, aren't I?" When you are constantly left wondering "why doesn't my partner know how I feel", you are likely caught in a very common trap.

Here are some other typical ones:

"There should be trust in a relationship."

"If someone loves you, they wouldn't do that."

"Why else would they have done that?"

"Of course, they know how I feel about them. I'm still here, aren't I?"

"We should be able to communicate."

Oh boy.

The two most dangerous words in any relationship are the words "should" and "assume". They create many, many problems due to the ideas they create. We fall into these traps far more often than we realize.

The Danger of "Shoulding" on Your Relationship Expectations

When someone tells me, "there should be honesty in a relationship" or "my partner should be honest with me," the first thing I tell them is: please stop "shoulding" on me.

This is what I mean.

Imagine someone saying, "I should be able to drink 5 milkshakes a day and lose weight." Sounds ridiculous to us, right? But if they actually drink five milkshakes a day for six straight months and step on the scale, they're not going to like what they see. No matter how much they argue with the scale, no matter how much they argue with their clothes, no matter how much they "should" be losing weight, the results are the results. Our bodies don't work that way and neither do relationships.

Just about everything that happens in a relationship is a result. A direct result of how safe (or unsafe) the relationship environment is to each partner. Should there be trust in a relationship? I don't know, but if it's not safe enough, I know there won't be. Should my partner be honest with me? I don't know, but if it's not safe enough for them, I know they won't be. That's just how it works.

When someone tries to argue that they're making it safe, but their partner still isn't doing what they want — being honest, communicating, showing up — they're basically arguing with the scale. No amount of "shoulding" changes anyone's behavior. This has nothing to do with love, maturity, personal character, or anything else. The only thing that does is making the environment safer. If your partner isn't doing the things you want, it's because the environment isn't safe enough. That's it. Anyone who believes a partner "should" do something simply because they should is setting themselves up for a long road of disappointment and frustration.

"Assume"

Should and assume are more connected than they look. I can't tell you how often couples come into my office and a big part of their problem is that neither partner truly knows what they mean to the other. They assume the other one knows (or they "should" know). They assume it's obvious. And this is a serious mistake.

Yes, your partner matters to you a lot and you know that. But for too many of you, your partner does not "feel" it. When that goes on long enough, you start hearing things like "they're only with me because of the kids" "they're only with me because it's convenient" "they're only with me because they're afraid of being alone" "they're only with me because of everything I do for them". The painful irony is that almost none of those conclusions are ever accurate. But when someone doesn't feel like they genuinely matter to their partner in their bones, not just on paper, they will inevitably start drawing those kinds of conclusions.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel about them. Make it a point to show it repeatedly, even when it feels like too much. You cannot overdo this. The habit of actively demonstrating that your partner matters to you in ways that are emotionally relevant to them specifically will save you from more relationship problems than almost anything else you could do.

Overcoming the Lens Bias: Accurately Reading Partner Intentions

The second place assume shows up and creates damage is when we try to interpret our partner's behavior. In my experience, we get it wrong about 90 to 95 percent of the time. We are genuinely terrible at accurately reading our partner's motivations. I'll often say that the best and worst thing about relationships is that there are two people in them. And both people happen at the same time.

If you've ever heard of the saying "it's hard to see the forest through the trees", that's exactly why. Because we're emotionally involved, deep in the forest, it's nearly impossible to step back and see their behavior through their eyes rather than our own. We interpret everything through our own emotional lens without realizing it. That's how we end up at conclusions like "if they really cared, they would have" or "people make time for what they prioritize". Ideas that feel logical to us but are almost always wrong.

If you're looking at a behavior that bothers you, you're far better off assuming nothing or assuming there's a painful reason behind it that has more to do with safety than with how they feel about you. Assumptions made through any other lens will get you into trouble more times than not. And I can't tell you how many fights start from exactly this.

Should and assume. Two small words. An enormous amount of damage.

Working on the root of the issue is how I work with couples. I've been doing this for some time now and have helped many couples through many different relationship issues.

You can schedule with me or reach out and see how I might be of service to you.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

Just know that, as always, I got you.