Why Does Sex Disappear in a Long-Term Relationship?

At some point I came across this story on social media taken from a post on Reddit (photo posted above). The debate online raged over two things: 1) was he right to get a divorce and (this was by far the biggest debate) 2) who's fault was the divorce? I'm going to address the 2nd one. But if you are currently facing physical distance in your own marriage and asking, "why does sex disappear in a long-term relationship?", looking for blame is a dead end.

Intimacy follows the relationship environment, which is why the Emotional Safety Framework is a useful lens here.

So who's fault was it? If you look at each perspective, you can clearly make a case for each side. It's his fault because he decided to leave his family, abandon his kids all because he wasn't getting sex while not taking her into account. It's her fault because she neglected his needs for too long, even after multiple attempts on his part to have things change, and while he signed up for a monogamous marriage, he did not sign up for a sexless marriage.

How to Build Emotional Safety in a Relationship: The Complete Framework

The truth is that both perspectives have merit. And while they both are right to a degree, they are both also wrong. The reality is that it is both of their faults, but not for the reasons stated above. Let me explain.

The 4 Clinical Reasons Sex Disappears in a Marriage Over Time

The first thing we need to understand is why a sexless marriage happens in the first place. In my experience, there are only 4 possible reasons why issues with sex will show up in a marriage over the long-term:

1. Some kind of physical condition/issue (i.e. hormone imbalance, illness, etc.)
2. Partner A has some kind of historical hurt or pain associated with sex (something that happened inside the relationship or something that happened prior to the relationship)
3. Partner B has some kind of historical hurt or pain associated with sex
4. The lack of overall safety in the relationship environment

Because (according to him) the issues didn't start until after their children were born, it's all but certain the issue in this case is with #4 (if any of the other 3 had been present the issue would have shown up much earlier and would have been presented differently).

If you've followed my writing, have heard me speak or have spent time talking with me, you'll know that I often say that just about everything that happens in a relationship (for both good and bad) comes as a result of the level of emotional safety inside the relationship. In my Emotional Safety Framework, there are 4 Pillars that add up to creating and maintaining a high level of emotional safety inside a relationship over the long-term. When the level of safety is high in a relationship, just about all the good things we want (honesty, trust, loyalty, sex, etc.) end up showing up.

The Post-Baby Shift: How Parenting Demands Unintentionally Erode Intimacy

For the vast majority of couples, it is significantly easier to perform these things before kids arrive, even unintentionally. There's not as many demands of you in your personal life, it's much easier to do things spontaneously and there's a lot more emotional bandwidth available for each partner to have for the other. Research shows that a really big factor that leads to marital dissatisfaction is the birth of the first child. Is that because having children is a bad thing? No, of course not. In my opinion, what ends up happening is that the safety that at one point was there, because it was happening unintentionally, now is no longer happening.

Because there is now something else that will have major demands of your time, energy and emotional bandwidth, there is little attention given to what actually makes a relationship work. This is where the distance between them starts. Partners no longer feel prioritized the way they used to. They don't feel like the other partner loves them the way they used to (and the way that they themselves love their partner). Partners don't feel like the other partner really "gets them" anymore. Partners feel more isolated in their own personal struggles. In time, there is a sense of loneliness that grows, often subtly and unnoticed, that absolutely leads to things like infidelity. That is why I will always say that if emotional safety is not being consciously and intentionally created, then it is naturally going to erode.

So let's go back to the original question. Who's fault is it? If you look at my 4 Pillars, pillar 2 and pillar 3 are the most commonly left behind in this scenario. Where did he go wrong? If we look at his post, when he states "My wife used to ask me to take her on dates, but I was not allowed to expect sex and she would get mad when I initiated. She would say why can't I love her without sex" lines, it's abundantly clear that she did not feel like she really mattered to him. I can say with 99.9% certainty that, if I asked her directly, she would say that she felt that the only times he ever tried to be "nice" or be affectionate or do something nice for her were only those times he was looking for sex. She more than likely felt that he was interested in sex with her just because he was interested in sex, not because it was her (failure of Pillar 3). And yes, I know this isn't accurate on his end; I know for absolute sure that wasn't the case. But the reality was that that was the impact his actions were having on her.

That doesn't mean he wasn't putting in any effort. Yes, I know more than likely he was busting his ass at work and pouring himself into his job. He very likely took on the stereotypical role of "provider" and felt that he was doing his job in their marriage. This is an unbelievably common thing men fall into and it's where so many men end up going wrong. When you do pour all your energies into your job/profession and leave close to nothing for home ("I work hard for us and need to relax/recharge to make sure I'm ready for work tomorrow"), you end up not being able to "be there" for your partner when it counts for them emotionally, regardless of how much you think it "should" count because of how hard you work (failure of Pillar 2).

Where did she go wrong? Chances are good that (like many women) she took on the role of "mother" to the nth degree and made that the central role in her life. Too many women end up believing/living this idea that "if I'm not doing it all for my kids then I'm failing as a mother" and then expect/believe that the father will have that same expectation/belief. The interesting part for me is that, stereotypically, most people believe that the woman is the one that prioritizes the relationship, but in my experience, the majority of times after the first child is born, it's the man that's more interested in dedicating "us" time. And often, the mother, for fear of not being a good mother, will have a difficult time finding time/space to carve out something for herself individually and for their partner (failure of Pillar 3).

Both men and women have a need to feel desired by their partner. But it manifests differently in both. A man's physical virility (and perceived virility) is something that is always present as a factor, and when a man does not feel desired for his physicality, it is damaging to his sense of self (part of the reason "growing old" is a problem for men). Sex then is not just an emotional connection for men. It's confirmation that his partner sees him as tough, strong and able. If the woman (which in this case I'm 99.9% certain happened) does not and is not able to reassure that for him, then that will always cause problems (failure of Pillar 2), sometimes in the form of infidelity.

A Message to Husbands: Rebuilding Priority Without Expecting Sex

So, what's the answer? If I'm talking to the guy in this case (and so many similar cases), I'm telling him this exactly: "Man, I know you're working hard, I know you're sacrificing a lot for your family. But if you are giving all of your energy to work and have little to nothing for when you get home, your family life is going to suffer. Trust me on this. Do random, little things. Just buy your wife flowers, just because. Take her out to a small dinner but don't have any intentions of having sex. Randomly walk by her and give her a huge hug with nothing else attached to it. Have her "feel" those things without her feeling like the only thing you're after is sex. Do not keep bringing sex up in conversation. It works against you. Randomly help out with chores without being asked. When you do all these things, her defenses start coming down over time and she will naturally want more sex with you. Yes, I know it's paradoxical, but trust me, if you do this enough and give it enough time, this will 100% work." (and any ladies reading this, you can confirm or deny what I'm talking about).

A Message to Wives: Helping Your Partner Feel Physically Desired

If I'm talking to the woman in this case (and again, so many similar cases), I'm telling her exactly this: "Look, I will never tell you that you owe your husband sex at any point. But what I will say is that you need to make him feel desired physically by you as much as you can. There are going to be certain things that are specific to him, that make him feel desired, that have absolutely nothing to do with intercourse. Maybe it's certain 'grabs' or certain looks or certain physical touches that really mean something to him. Fuck it, slap his ass every once in a while. You need to make it a point to do those things, and if at any point you can feel up to it, initiate sex yourself. Tell him that you can't wait to have sex with him. Those things really, really matter. That will do you both more good than you realize. Yes, I know you're tired. Yes, I know you have a lot on your plate. But the truth is that you can't just dedicate your entire energy into motherhood and expect everything else to work out. If you do these things enough and give it enough time, you will get everything that you want from your marriage and then some" (and any men reading this, you can say I'm wrong or right about what I'm saying here).

Overall, what this situation constantly tells me is that everyone with one of these viewpoints will always feel their "side" is always justified and right. And no, this is not a failure of "communication" or trying to clearly tell your partner how you feel. It's obvious from the Reddit post that, at a minimum, the guy tried to verbalize his frustrations and this couple had conversations about sex very regularly. If you've followed me or listened to me for long enough, you know that the whole "openly communicate clearly how you feel" is a recipe for failure and doesn't work. And what I know to be true of human beings is, if you look hard enough for reasons to defend and support what you see, you will always find it.

Look, in over 15 years of doing this, I've seen this situation play out hundreds of times. The fix is never going to be on talking about whether sex is important or not. But I know it doesn't stop people from trying.

In this (and similar) situation, what I know is that both people in this story were doing what made sense to them given what they were experiencing. But both were also focused entirely on what their partner wasn't giving them rather than what they themselves weren't giving. That shift in focus, from what you're not getting to what you're not giving emotionally, is the only thing that actually changes the outcome That shift either prevents the entire situation from occurring in the first place, or it's the only thing that changes it once it gets to the point this one did.

The guy in this post found a way to be happy. I hope it stays that way. I truly do. But I also know that the same dynamic that ended his marriage will show up in the next one if nothing changes in his approach. And if she ends up in a new relationship, the same will apply to her.

Working on the root of the issue is how I work with couples. I've been doing this for some time now and have helped many couples through many different relationship issues.

You can schedule with me or reach out and see how I might be of service to you.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

As always, I've got you.