10 Simple Ways to Build Safety in Your Relationship

People often think that the best ways to maintain connection and to prevent relationship issues down the road is to constantly communicate, have the hard conversations, do things like "date night" or do "big" things for the other person to show just how much you care. I'm not saying that there can't be value in those things, but I will always say that what really matters when it comes to maintaining connection and preventing relationship issues over the long-term is the level of emotional safety in the relationship. Here are 10 simple day-to-day ideas for building safety that can become good habits to form. And just remember, safety in a relationship is always relative to the two people in the relationship, so some of these ideas will fit your partner better than others. Pick wisely and pick often.

1. Make your partner laugh

This is part of Pillar 3 work. Life is always going to give us reasons to be serious. Make it a point to find moments of levity between the two of you. Don't be afraid of not taking yourself seriously. Believe it or not, being goofy is a form of vulnerability, if you let it. Whatever you do, make sure that the humor never comes at your partner's expense. Have them feel like you're laughing with them, not at them.

2. Write them a nice note that they'll find later

This is also part of Pillar 3 work. We know our partners mean everything to us. We know we'd be willing to do just about anything for them. To give up anything for them. The good news is that you don't have to do that to show them they matter. The bad news is that often partners don't know just how much they truly mean to us. Writing them a note about something you appreciate about them or something good you've noticed about them, and having them find it unexpectedly, builds good vibes and lets partners know that a) we're thinking of them and b) we're noticing them. Oh, and don't write something like "I really appreciate the way you take out the trash" or things like that. Write something that is meaningful for them.

3. Ask for a conversation reset/redo

This is part of Pillar 1 work. Sometimes we start a conversation, or we have a response that doesn't come out the right way. Or it comes out in a way we did not intend for it to. Most people, even if they realize that's what just happened, won't try to rectify it, which I highly don't recommend. When you find yourself in one of these moments, take a moment, stop and say something like "hey, I'm sorry, that didn't come out at all the way I wanted. Can I try that again?" You'll be amazed at just how many potential bad moments can be diffused this way.

4. Let them influence you in some small way

This can be part of Pillar 2, 3 and/or 4. The Gottmans talk about sharing decision making power, especially for bigger decisions, and while that's a very good thing, I'm referencing something a little different here. All couples have day-to-day decisions that they end up making. Most don't ever end up being a big deal or create issues. But they can create positive moments if done intentionally. The next time your partner has an idea about what to have for dinner, what movie to watch, what to do this weekend, where the pictures should hang or something else of that nature, just say yes, even if you don't want to. Let them pick more often, and when you say yes, do it with a smile on your face! If you make it seem like you're just doing them a favor, that's not going to work. Make it a habit to tell yourself things like "the next time they suggest a movie, I'm saying yes no matter what." Small moments add up in every relationship, for better or worse, and these kinds of moments stacked on each other over time build a lot of goodwill.

5. Do one of your partner's "chores" without them asking for it

This is Pillar 2 work. One of the things about "being there" for someone else that goes very unnoticed and often overlooked is showing someone you understand what they go through without them having to tell you. That ability to anticipate is invaluable. Pay attention to what your partner is going through. You know you have a lot of things going on in your life, but I promise you, they do too. Some days for them will seem "extra" for them, for whatever reason. Learn to anticipate when those moments are going to happen and then figure out what are the kinds of things they'd most want help with during those moments. Being able to take care of whatever that is, without them having to tell you, is a big way of showing them you are there for them, without a single word ever having to be said.

6. Share a memory with them randomly

This can be part of Pillar 1 and/or 3. I think this also goes without saying, but please share a positive memory. And make sure the memory is considered positive for both of you. Don't share something like "remember that time you fell face forward into that pile of trash? That was so funny!" when your partner does not consider that a funny moment. Share good moments you had together. Moments that you both "felt" it. This does two things: 1) it helps remind you both of the many positive times you've had together (assuming you're not just remembering the same moment over and over again) and 2) you'll both "feel" those good times again in the present. Always a good thing.

7. Give them a compliment out of the blue

This can also be part of Pillar 1 and/or 3. What's funny to me is that it is so common for partners to think positive thoughts about the other and never voice them. Which means the other partner never knows. And I'll admit, I'm as guilty of this as anyone else so this is a good reminder for me as well. Every once in a while, tell them something good you've noticed about them. Something maybe that no one else would notice. I'm not talking about saying things like "you look really good today" or some other generality. Those things are OK, but what lands much better is noticing something subtle or specific. Relative to what you know they are trying to do or is important to them. For instance, if your partner has been really focused on losing weight and you're noticing their effort and results, you can say something like "I can see all the work you've put in is really paying off because those new jeans look really good on you."

8. Start a "project" together

This can be Pillar 1, 2 and/or 3 work. I can't emphasize this part first: make sure whatever you think of doing, that it is something your partner wants to do!! Seriously, don't try to start something that you think "would be good for us" or it's something you've always wanted to do when you know they have no interest in doing it. Now that I have that out of the way, think of things you can do or build together. Maybe we come up "joint meal Friday" where you both cook together for dinner every Friday, or we do a "30-day intermittent fasting challenge" together, or we tackle a home renovation project together, or something else entirely. You're only limited by your creativity and imagination (and your partner's desires obviously). I'm not the biggest fan of making things competitive between partners for any reason, but if you must do something competitive between the two of you, make sure it is and stays at least 99% friendly.

9. Give them a "pick me up" during the day

This is Pillar 1, 2, 3 and/or 4 work. I kind of call this a "just because" type of thing. Send a random text message letting them know you're thinking about them, take them lunch at their job randomly, get up a little early to buy them their favorite coffee or make them breakfast in bed, walk up to them and give them a bigger hug than usual, etc. Don't have a reason for doing these outside of "just because". I know I keep saying this, and this is true for all of these, but this is a good habit to get into. It helps keep your partner top of mind on a regular basis.

10. Be mindful of how you come across

This is Pillar 4 work. Look, I know you love your partner. And they love you. Which is why they are always going to be more sensitive to everything you do and say. Be mindful of how your partner experiences you on a regular basis. What kind of facial expressions do they see coming at them when they see you? What does your tone sound like when talking with them, regardless of the topic of conversation? What kinds of things are they hearing coming from you consistently? Be honest with yourself, if I were to ask them to describe you and how you come across, what would they say to me? If the answer isn't what you'd like for me to hear, that should be a huge clue that changes need to happen.

A final note

I hope you found these helpful and useful. Remember, take your partner into account before applying these. Some are going to be better fits than others.

If you have any questions about any of this, feel free to reach out to me. And if you're interested in working with me to see how you can incorporate these things into your relationship while learning how to grow the level of emotional safety between you, you can schedule with me right here.

I serve couples and individuals from my office in Littleton across the South Denver Metro area, including Highlands Ranch, Centennial, Greenwood Village, Ken Caryl, Cherry Hills Village, and Englewood.

As always, I got you.