We Love Each Other But Keep Having the Same Fight

Every so often a conversation screen shot gets shared on social media that stops me mid-scroll. Not because it's shocking but because it's so recognizable. So many couples will read this and think: we've had this fight.

When you reach a point where you love each other but keep having the same fight over seemingly minor things, love alone isn't enough to stop the pattern. The Emotional Safety Framework explains why these chronic, repetitive arguments happen and shows you exactly where to look to fix them

Here it is (original misspellings and grammatical errors kept in place):

Partner A: I hope you have a good day today

Partner B: I love my wifeee

Partner A: It makes me so sad when you leave without saying goodbye

Partner B: It's always something

Partner A: This is a known fact though. Why is it difficult for you to say, "I'm sorry babe?"

Partner B: F*** all the way off. So entitled. I was teasing before but damn. Just stop acting like this all the time. You know you're 30 right?

Partner A: The "it's always something" was not a tease, that was real. You know you're almost 30 and you can learn how to communicate with your partner, right?

Partner B: Have you ever stopped to consider how exhausting it is to deal with someone who stomps their feet and demands an apology for not getting their goodbye kissie in the morning? I desperately yearn to date an adult woman.

Partner A: Have you ever stopped to consider how exhausting it is to ask for the bare minimum and not even get that? I desperately yearn to date a considerate man.

Partner B: You got I LOVE MY WIFE and turned it into this argument. I'm not the problem here.

Partner A: After I reached out to you. You know how important those little moments of connection are important for me.

Partner B: Moving those goalposts.

Partner A: No, I'm not, you're just mad that you can't score. I have told you how important this is to me dozens of times.

Partner B: Yeah that's my point. At age 30 you should not be crashing out because you didn't get a morning kiss.

Partner A: At 6 years in you should know that it's important to me.

Partner B: You should know how important it is to me to have a partner that doesn't start fights over this kind of stuff but I have never got that consideration once. I give you what you want because you throw a fit.

Partner A: I've gotten much better at getting over things, but I shouldn't have to blow past absolutely everything. This is a small thing that doesn't take much time or energy from you but means the world to me. I do not understand why it's difficult. But if I'm asking for too much then great, I'll lower the bar for you.

Partner B: I had a hard morning and needed to leave to catch the bus. You don't care about that at all though. It's all about getting what you want. Even if it's the most insignificant and childish hill to die on.

Partner A: I'm sorry you had a hard morning, of course I care about that!

Partner B: Then why didn't you ask? You just went straight to "why is it difficult for you to say, 'I'm sorry babe?'" You don't care at all. F*** off. Don't text me at all.

Partner A: Hey ______, I love you immensely.

Partner B: Remember when I was complaining about how I'm sick of being nagged and pestered all the time? This is exactly what I'm talking about. Spend the next 8 hours of silence thinking about your good morning kiss and ask yourself if this fight was worth it.

How to Build Emotional Safety in a Relationship: The Complete Framework

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Case Study: Anxious Pursuit vs. Logical Withdrawal in Action

This conversation was originally posted as a "We've been together for 6 years and I'm thinking about calling off my wedding in September after this conversation".

Whether these two should get married or not, I don't know. But what I do know is that this relationship is in trouble. Not because they don't love each other but because the sense of safety between them is low. Love is not their problem.

If you put this relationship environment on a 1-10 "safety" scale where 1 is completely unsafe and 10 is completely safe, these two are somewhere around a 3 at best. The comments both make about wanting to date "adults" and "you're 30" tell me safety has been trending down for a while. They are at a point where small things turn into fights repeatedly.

Things are bad, but yes, they can get worse. What would let me answer that more definitively is knowing whether this exchange is typical or an escalation. Is this how it usually goes? Is the "f*** off" a recent development or a long-standing pattern? Do they normally do the "silent" thing and if so, how long does it last historically? How did they repair and did it take longer than it used to?

Based on his "nagging" and "it's always something" comments, my guess is she's pretty anxious. I think it's pretty clear she's the "let's talk about it" person in this relationship. She's trying to do things right in the relationship, which is precisely what causes him to push back. Because she says she's "gotten much better at getting over things," it's possible she's been told she's "too much" or "too sensitive" at some point in the past. Usually when someone in her shoes is working on "getting over things", it likely means she is trying not to bring up things when there's a "bother", even though that puts her in a really difficult position more often than he realizes. She doesn't want to be too much for anyone, especially him. Deep down, it's likely she worries there might be something about her that just isn't fully loveable.

Because he keeps things logical and controlled, chances are good that a few things might be true: he equates high emotion with problems; he's probably struggled in past relationships and is trying to keep the temperature down in this one, which ironically makes the temperature rise faster; and he was likely taught early on, painfully, not to show emotion or to handle things on his own. That's why he more than likely is the "I don't want to talk about it" person in the relationship. Chances are that deep down, in a place he almost never looks, there's probably a quiet fear that something is wrong with him. Keeping things logical is how he keeps that fear hidden from himself and especially from her.

Here's the kicker (and the irony): both of them are likely carrying that same fear. That there's something wrong with them. That their partner will eventually figure it out and leave. They just express it in completely opposite ways. Neither way works. And neither one has any idea the other is carrying the same thing because they each know they love their partner no matter what. This inevitably leads to a lot of conflict.

This is one of the most common dynamics I see.

Root Cause 1: How the Relationship Ledger Tracks Invisible Priority

Based on this interaction, by far the biggest issue in their relationship is that neither partner feels like they really matter to the other. Not in a surface-level way but in a felt way. Neither partner knows what they mean to the other. Neither partner feels like the other really "gets them".

And you can see it in what they're actually saying.

She talks about "asking for the bare minimum" and not getting it. He says he's "never gotten that consideration once" and that she doesn't care about him at all. Those are not small statements. Those are the kinds of things people say when they've felt this way for a long time.

What makes this dynamic particularly painful is that both of them are completely aware of how unseen they feel but completely unaware that their partner feels the exact same way. They'd each nod reading their own paragraph above. Neither would expect the other one to nod too.

This is what my Pillar 3, the Ledger, is designed to address. You must make the other person feel like they are the #1 priority in your life. What that means is that each partner has to pay attention to the things that matter to the other, and then pay attention to the emotional significance of those things. And then they have to demonstrate that understanding in ways their partner can feel. Not "look at everything I do for you." Not "they should already know." The actual experience of they really get me. They know what matters to me in the way that matters to me. Without that, nothing else they work on will hold.

Root Cause 2: Why Repetitive Verbal Communication Fails to Build Understanding

The second issue is a communication problem I see constantly. She says: "I have told you how important this is to me dozens of times." And: "At six years in you should know."

The problem is the way she approaches conversations isn't working, which is why she comes across as critical even though that's not her intent at all.

It doesn't matter how many times she's said it, he still doesn't get it. And he won't, not this way. Telling someone something is important to you isn't the same as helping them understand why (emotionally) it's important to you. Repetition isn't the same as understanding. Those are completely different conversations.

Before that conversation can happen, she'd need to go inward first. Why does this specific moment (him saying goodbye) carry the weight it does? Pillar 1, the Delivery Tax, is designed to help with this. You must first be able to understand yourself in order to get yourself understood so that you can communicate to your partner in a non-threatening way. This isn't meant to sound like some ancient proverb. It's just how all this works in practice.

In this case, there are really only two possibilities: it's connected to her deeper need to feel like she matters to him and isn't too much, or there's a specific emotional memory attached to that moment of goodbye. Based on this exchange, my instinct is that it's the second one.

And if that's true, the only way he actually gets it, and I mean really gets it, is if she can find that moment, sit and stay with it physically, and describe to him in first person what it was like to be her in that moment. It takes practice to get there but that's the conversation that changes things. That's what gets him to say, "oh, NOW I get why that matters to you."

They are both asking, "have you ever stopped to consider what this feels like for me?" in different ways which tells me just how much neither partner feels understood by the other. Neither partner asks this type of question in this way if this was an isolated instance. That tells me that neither partner has done anywhere near a good enough job trying to understand anything their partner is going through, which is what Pillar 2, the Receipt, is about. Neither of them feels like the other truly has "their back" in this relationship.

Finally, the "f*** off" pattern. My guess (hope) is it's a product of how low the safety has gotten between them. But regardless of where it's coming from, it's doing real damage that will need to be repaired. It's a bad habit at this point, and it needs to become a former one.

The good news is everything I just described is workable. None of this has to be permanent. The first thing each partner has to do is change their mindset about the relationship and see things through the emotional safety lens. Each of them has a good idea of how the things their partner does and says impact them, but both are tragically unaware of the impact they themselves are having on their partner. Safety has to become the lens, and through that lens, the first thing becomes working on prioritizing the other in the way I described above (Pillar 3). The communication stuff (Pillar 1+2) comes later. And they definitely needs to starting thinking ahead of time the impact their words and actions is having on the other.

Even though they love each other, if they don't change their approach to their relationship, then whether they get married or not becomes irrelevant to me because their relationship is not going to make it either way.

Working on the root of the issue is how I work with couples. I've been doing this for some time now and have helped many couples through many different relationship issues.

You can schedule with me or reach out and see how I might be of service to you.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

I got you.