Relationship Communication & The Delivery Tax - Pillar 1

If you often find yourself saying things like "that's not what I said," "that's not what I meant," or "no, that's not it," then your primary goal is likely learning how to communicate in a relationship without fighting.

Communication is one of the four pillars of emotional safety.

Saying whatever you want, however and whenever you want, simply because you're "being honest" and "trying to communicate," isn't a viable option in a relationship. Shocking to read, but you'll see that it's true. It often leads to bad outcomes over the long term. But the alternative isn't staying quiet either. There's a third path: learning to pay the Delivery Tax well.

This is the pillar most people want to master first, especially if you're the "let's talk about it" partner. Ironically, over the course of a lifetime together, it becomes the least important of the four. If the other three pillars are strong, Communication matters significantly less over time. If you're the partner who most wants to talk things through, your energy is better spent on Priority, the Legder than on this one, even though this is the pillar you're drawn to.

If you are the "we need to talk about it" person, just know you also hold real power in conversations. You're the one most likely to start hard conversations and set their tone. That's leverage, not just a burden.

Three Ways to Pay the Tax (two good and one not so good)

There are two paths to getting yourself understood. The slower, deeper path is building real self-understanding of the primary emotion underneath what you want to say. The faster, more accessible path, especially while you're building that skill, is the 3 Ts.

The 3 Ts, developed by therapist Nohemi Garcia Roberts, MA, LMFT, LPC, are a way to minimize the negative impact of a conversation before it starts:

1. Time. Is this a good moment for your partner, not just for you? If they're exhausted, distracted, or mid-crisis, the conversation will cost more than it needs to.
2. Tone. What does your voice actually sound like to them, not to you? If tone has been a sticking point before, it needs active, conscious correction, not defense.
3. Technique. The same honest point can be said many different ways. Choose the one most likely to land without triggering a defensive reaction. Setting matters too, some rooms and physical positions feel more intimidating than others.

Your goal in any of this isn't to be calm or even respectful. It's to be non-threatening. Those aren't the same thing, and the difference is enormous in terms of impact.

The third path is to disregard the first two paths and continue to communicate in whatever way it comes out. For many people, that means being "blunt", "direct", and "fully honest" while saying to your partner in response to their becoming upset, "I'm just telling you how I feel." That can lead to future interactions you won't like. That tax will compound exponentially over time. And it will become quite "expensive" for you as time goes on.

No matter what you choose to do communication wise, you're going to pay a tax. Just which path you take to pay it is up to you.

The Deeper Work: Getting Fully Understood by Your Partner

The deeper work asks a different question than most people start with. Not "what am I feeling," but "what is it like to be me, right here, right now." The first question produces a label. The second produces an experience your partner can actually step into.

At the heart of anything you really want your partner to understand is some combination of fear, hurt, or pain, what I call primary emotion. Getting there means finding the exact moment something "hit" you, physically, in your body, and staying with that sensation rather than rushing to explain it. It takes repeated practice. It will feel uncomfortable every time. Slow is the posture that works here, not speed.

Feelings are not primary emotions. Saying "I feel hurt" or "I feel disrespected" conveys almost nothing, it's a label, not an experience. Compare "it feels cold" to "it feels like I'm holding a piece of ice, straight out of the arctic that's been frozen solid for over a 100 years." The second gives your partner something to actually picture and feel. That's the difference between describing an experience and merely labeling it.

A rough structure for getting there in words:

"When I saw/heard [specific moment], I noticed [what happened inside me]. It took me back to [a specific memory tied to fear, hurt, or pain]. I think underneath that, I'm afraid of [the specific fear]."

Please don't treat that as just a script to follow. It's more of a guideline to help you get to where you need to get to eventually. This only works when both partners are doing it, not just defending their own position. And that can only happen when one partner decides they are going to do this first, not wait on their partner to do it before they themselves do it.

It only works slowly. Slower is always better than speed. Trying to rush from trigger to full disclosure in one sitting almost always lands you back in secondary emotion, the anger, the defensiveness, the "that's not what I meant," which is always a sign there's more self-understanding work left to do before the conversation, not during it.

Warning Signs This Pillar Isn't Working

1. You keep saying "that's not what I meant" or "that's not what I said."
2. Your partner gets defensive no matter what you bring up or says they feel attacked.
3. Your partner avoids talking with you altogether.
4. You feel angry, or stay angry, while trying to communicate.

If you're seeing these, the work isn't better wording. Its more time spent finding your own primary emotion before you speak.

Want some help in figuring this all out? I've worked and helped many couples with getting themselves understood.

Schedule something with me or reach out directly.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

I've got you.