How Do We Know If We're Compatible?

Whether a couple lasts depends on emotional safety, the idea at the center of the Emotional Safety Framework.

Of all the reasons people give for why a relationship ended or why they're afraid one will, incompatibility is one of the ones that troubles me most. It sucks to see two people who clearly love each end their relationship as a result of a "lack of compatibility." Not because it isn't real to the people experiencing it. If you are currently looking at your differences and asking, "how do we know if we're compatible?", you need to look past surface-level traits. In 15+ years of working with couples, I've seen "compatibility" used to explain away something that almost always had a different explanation entirely.

How to Build Emotional Safety in a Relationship: The Complete Framework

Now keep in mind, when I'm talking about compatibility, I'm talking about couples who are already in love. That doesn't mean everyone can fall in love with just anyone else (that's a discussion for another day) but it does mean that couples who are in love are very much compatible from my point of view. Here's the compatibility test I give couples. One question. Are you willing to dedicate yourself to creating and protecting the emotional safety of your partner and the relationship between you? If both people say yes, I tell them they're compatible. That's it.

The Flaw of Surface-Level Value Differences in Marriage

I know how that sounds. Too simple. Too idealistic. Naive, even. What about genuinely different values? What about one person wanting children and the other not? What about different views on religion, money, lifestyle, politics? Those things can be real. I'm not dismissing them.

But here's what I've found, consistently, without exception: when someone really wants something or really doesn't want something, the strength of that position always traces back to an emotional reason. Not a logical one. An emotional one. It's never about the surface level topic.

Finding the Emotional Reasons Behind Common Relationship Dealbreaker

Take the having children example, because it's the one of the first ones people reach for first when they want to challenge this. When someone really wants children, there is an emotional reason underneath that. Maybe it's connected to their own experience of being parented, or not being parented. Maybe it's connected to a deep fear of being alone later in life. Maybe it's connected to a sense of purpose or meaning that they can't fully articulate but feel strongly. On the flip side, when someone really doesn't want children, there's an emotional reason underneath that too. And those reasons are almost always rooted in some form of fear, hurt, or pain.

The same is true of every significant value difference that couples identify as incompatibility. Religion. Money. Lifestyle. Career. Politics. Where to live. How to spend time. When someone holds a position strongly enough to call it a dealbreaker, there is an emotional story behind it. And that emotional story is almost never fully understood, by the person holding it or by their partner.

How Deep Validation Dissolves Apparent Core Incompatibilities

What I've seen happen, repeatedly, is that when both partners actually understand the emotional reasons behind their own positions, and genuinely try to understand the emotional reasons behind their partner's, the incompatibility changes shape. The way the potential incompatibility is understood changes the nature of how it's addressed. Sometimes it dissolves entirely. Sometimes it becomes workable in ways neither person thought possible, often times in ways that has neither person feeling like they are sacrificing for the other. The vast majority of times the real issue that was masquerading as incompatibility turns out to be related to some kind of fear, emotional hurt or emotional pain.

When those things can be understood, reassured, comforted and, just as importantly, accounted for by the couple in their conversations and decision making, those seemingly insurmountable differences in values become quite navigable and solvable.

None of that means every couple is easily compatible. Some people's past pain fits in a more manageable way with ours than others. Some people will find some partners easier to create and protect safety for than others because of that. It also means that most couples who believe they're fundamentally incompatible haven't actually gotten to the level of understanding that would give them the confidence and certainty they're looking for.

The couples who make it aren't necessarily the ones with the most in common. They're the ones who have built enough safety between them to actually understand each other in ways that don't have them questioning their own compatibility.

The question for me isn't whether you and your partner are compatible. The question is whether you've created the conditions under which you won't find yourself questioning it ever again.

You can read about couples counseling with me if you're interested in learning more. Or if you're interested in getting ahead of these potential problems, you can look at early relationship work here. I've helped many couples through this and many other relationship issues.

You can schedule with me or reach out to me directly.

I work with couples across the South Denver metro area, including Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Greenwood Village, Centennial, Cherry Hills Village, Ken Caryl and Englewood to help them drop counterproductive habits and implement the Emotional Safety Framework as a lasting lifestyle.

As always, I've got you.